krieg

You said it yourself.  Different people lead different lives and i’d like it to remain that way.  Rest assured, i’ll make it my life’s mission if i must, your villain or your friend—if i must.

Freedom

However embarrassing it might be, i’ve realized that OneRepublic’s sappy songs allow me to swallow overdoses of -mildly- depressing books.  Reading an ethnography on the desolation of human condition just seems all the more forlorn with “Good Life” playing in the shop background.  Either that or Franzen is just THAT good, his narrative is gripping, the characters cling onto your clothes and leave a trail in a song.

 

Obsessing over verbs

I take my anonymity for granted

I know i’m nowhere close to being “popular” or well, basically well-known at all.  But it’s surprising how it only just occurred to me  that— I really really cherish my anonymity. I spend most times drifting,  in the undercurrent of reality.  I absolutely detest, with paranoid obsession, to be acknowledged or worse– to be recognized.  I guess it’s a testament to the unhealthy amounts of time i spend in my head, i get uncomfortable some other subjective reality shatters mine.  The security guard at the condominium with the pool i crash is just the security guy on the night shift.  He is not, however, the indian man who recognizes and acknowledges me with a familiar nod.  Jesus christ, I don’t need to know that you know that i’m the girl who regularly strolls in with pseudo-nonchalance, disappearing into one block and then appearing at the pool— on your CCTV.  I also do not need that all-to-warm smile from the midnight-shift-malay-auntie who works at Esso.  I don’t need her to constantly greet me with “hello girl! cannot sleep again ah? Tuna puff again? You need cigarettes also?”  She is like the vocal embodiment of my secret shames— late night carb binges, a pinnacle of unwholesomeness.  And why must she be so damn nice to me.  Fuck that.  Why can’t i just be a ghost.  The real me at least.  Why can’t i keep the wholly and largely not too pretty image of myself INVISIBLE from everyone!???  The stretches of time i spend alone make me happy, it’s just not something i necessarily want to share with or want the world to see…

streams

Instead of starting on my readings, i’m worrying about how i can make use of December.  It’s a priority, naturally.  I just downloaded the newer Gossip Girl season…so i suppose december will be spent dumbing myself down just in time for school. Whatever.  Also, owing to my ovary’s newfound momentum, extrapolation denotes that PMS will kick in right after my exams.  Great.  I feel like i’ve nothing to look forward to.  Hormonally, this, right now is actually a positively high point for me.  It’s so unfair, its like why can’t i be granted enjoyment like, proper??

On a sidenote, i just trashed a $35 bottle of gorgonzola sauce in the dumpster.  Bought it during yet another grocery binge.  I tell myself it’s worth it.   Made some coffee.  Just me and my books tonight.

transgression

Funny how I have managed to hide under this lie and I tell everyone and appear to live this lie

And believed this lie.

Of improvement and bright skie-s

When i just want to destroy

To drive myself the closest i can

to the edge.  So grab a knife

and i’ll explore my limits

under devil’s eye.

But yet i stumble

aware and very much alive

On the edge of experience

my body but a temple

a relic, a ruin.

MOTIVATION

Right now, I’ll take anything i can get.  This is the only thing i have northwards of a B+.  An official security blanket I’ll have to grasp on to come the horror of next week.  I’m just glad that somewhere in the intellectual amalgamation that is NUS, I have a notch to hinge on.  Especially since this will be my only reassurance come the results— the totality of this failed semester.

Good Times: Because i have no other forms of repository

essen

I’m having an insatiable craving for a turkey brie & cranberry sandwich… And it’s not like i can just walk out to some neighborhood deli to get it.  Not unless I buy every ingredient from scratch; I’ll end up spending 50 bucks on some stupid craving of mine.  How the fuck can singapore be considered a food paradise?  Because I beg to differ.  Alls we have is sodium-laden oily garbage.  Call me a snob, but i really think we need a change in the food culture around here.  I understand how our food is a reflection of the multiple ethnicities we have… but how healthy do you think we will ever be if we continue taking pride in our pratas and char kway teows?!  I suppose health and nutrition wasn’t an issue back in the old days where meals were hard to come by…But we’re living in the first world now, with our own set of very incongruous problems.  Then why is it that healthy food is so damn inaccessible?  Either too expensive or just unavailable.

Don’t get me started on subway…an overpriced un-nutritious joke we actually queue up for.

mull

Essays upon essays due, German semester test to study for, work…

I’m missing a certain lightness that should result from productivity.  Well, not since productivity became mulling over portions of 2000 word essays over three whole days.  Intercepting actual completion of all this work with exercise…amongst other luxuries—I never turn down expensive dinners with the fam.

One helluva long weekend.  Not one of my best.